Halloween Decorating

In the lobby of my office building they began decorating for Halloween a full 4 weeks before Halloween. There were witches on the wall; cobwebs in the elevator; and pumpkins on haybales.

Normally, I wouldn't mind such festive joy, but the morning security guard has gone too far (see picture).

It kind of ruins my appetite for pumpkin pie. At least there isn't a candle protruding anywhere.

Pull My Finger

Flatulence is often a source of entertainment to small children and immature adults. One trick that I have been trying to teach my 16 month old daughter is to pull my finger to get me to fart. She gets the part of the game about pulling my finger, but does not seem amused by the ensuing fart sounds.

I have speculated as to the possible causes of this apparent indifference to what should be considered "funny". I have come to the conclusion that the reason that she does not think the farts funny is because she farts all the time herself. I cannot tell you how often that my wife has accused me of farting when in fact it is the baby.

What finally convinced me more than anything that my baby has a farting problem was a recent exchange that she and I had. I asked her to pull my finger which she did. I farted. No smile on her part. I said, "Do you want me to pull your finger?". Her response says it all.

Galactic Inspiration

The Chinese have completed the second manned space mission with the successful re-entry of their spaceship (see picture).

The Chinese have made great strides in the area of space exploration. Many from NASA were concerned that the Chinese would steal spaceship design plans. As it turns out, the Chinese modified a design from the Chia-Pet line of planters. Some NASA engineers have questioned whether the Chia-Pet spaceship could actually fly, but the above picture has put to rest these arguments.

Upon landing in the Inner Mongolian province of China, the Chinese astronauts placed take-out orders of Kung Pao Chicken and General Tso's Chicken to celebrate the event. Interestingly enough, the fortune cookies for the two astronauts were indentical and said, "Next time you are in space call Wong's Moon Palace, we deliver."

Family Packing Disorders

I have finally found a vehicle that can accomodate our family on our next road trip (see picture). No, there are not 20 people in the family, there are 5, but we have a packing disorder.

On our road excursion, we went on an overnight trip. Technically we would be gone for 22.5 hours. Anyway, for that sojourn we filled a Yukon XL to the rafters. I was beside myself in disbelief.

I thought that there must be something that we could have done to pare back the stuff that we "had" to bring, but as it turns out everything was essential.

I knew that when I lost the argument on why we needed to bring a toaster oven, that arguing on other "necesseties" such as an exercise treadmill, garden hose, and a high chair would be fruitless.

To avoid future diagreements, I plan to rent Chevy Passenger Coach pictured above for our next road trip. It seats 28 people with normal luggage amounts. It should suffice for our family of 5. We could even bring a lawn mower "just in case".

Maybe one day we call all be like my cousin Betty. All she packs is some paint.

Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

Not known to many people is the fact that babies aged 4-8 months enjoy sitting upright in one's hand. (see picture)

This technique can be very useful (in terms of staying clean) if the baby in question is prone to projectile vomit; incessant drooling; or has lots of boogers.

Please note that these same babies do not enjoy being dropped on the head if you get bored of holding them in this position.

My friend suggested handcuffing the baby's leg to the wrist as sort of a safety measure. In my case that was not an option since the baby in this picture has "cankles" and the cuffs would slip right off her foot.

My advice is to hold them over a pool or large tub of water. That way they will not be seriously injured in the inevitable fall. Just make sure that the baby can handle themselves in the water or that you have plenty of other kids to enjoy if the baby cannot swim.

Big Toe Politics

On a recent vacation, my wife admonished me to cut my toenails. Especially the one on the big toe. Out of protest I plan to grow my big toenail until I have to change shoe sizes.

I have researched the web for the world's record on large toenails, but all I found was articles on fungus remediation and toe-cheese recipes.

Baby Faces

I have a daughter who is about 16 months old. Not only will she not walk, but she makes funny faces, kind of like Yoda or Pruneface.

Anyway, my wife gets mad when I encourage such behaivior. Most notably when I get the baby to pick her nose or suck her toes. She hasn't pulled out a booger yet, but I still think it is funny.

Dunkin Donuts Donation

I was in Dunkin Donuts with my daughter this past weekend. When I paid for the coffee and accesories I dropped the change in the tip jar as is my custom. Not a great gesture by any means, but I don't want to carry the change.

My daughter spotted and "Katrina" donation box on the counter and asked why I did not put the money in there instead. My response was that residents in the Gulf Coast have plenty of money thanks to the guilt-ridden George Bush. In fact, they probably have too much money.

I have heard estimates that Louisiana is looking for $50B. New Orleans has (had) a population of 1.2M. Add area residents and you are looking a per capita contribution between $15K-$25K per person. Sounds like a lot of money to me. How much is too much? Also, how much of the $50B get skimmed by the political machine in the Big Easy?

Anyway, dropping in 35 cents into the donation box seems silly given the "aid" that will be coming from my other pocket in the form of federal taxes.